How often have we, as parents, resorted to this? Hand on your heart, how many times have we raised our voices, yelled, threatened them with dire consequences, or have even hit them? Did you know that it’s against the law in Denmark to do any of this. We could be in jail. Period.
Now, let that sink.
So, how do we discipline? Thankfully, schools no more hit children. But, in many ways than one the schools tell the parents that their hands are tied and the disciplining should happen at home. Add to it these fraudulent Christian priests extolling the virtues of an archaic and rusted Biblical verse, spare the rod, spoil the child, and forcing unsuspecting and stupid parents to hit their children!
Developmental psychologists categorize parenting into 4 models:
Authoritarian: These are the demanding and NOT responsive type. The want obedience and have high standards. Their children tend to do well in school but suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and poor social skills.
Authoritative: These are demanding and responsive. They set rather high standards but are supportive in their discipline. The children are more competent, both socially and intellectually.
Permissive: Highly responsive, but don’t insist on mature behavior from the children. They hope for self-regulation from the children, and no wonder the children have problems in school and in their behavior in general.
Uninvolved: These parents are neither responsive nor demanding, but of course not neglectful. The children do mostly poorly in all areas.
Obviously, type 2 parenting is what we all need to strive for. And, how do we do that. It’s beyond the scope of this article to go into the details of why spanking is a no-no; or why it’s incorrect to shut down children with, “don’t ask questions, just do what I say,” or threaten them with dire consequences if they refused to listen. We will however discuss ways to discipline children in a way that makes them better, compassionate, independent, and happier adults who have strong inner wisdom, which they can always fall back on.
The first idea is knowing and believing, however difficult it might be, that ALL children are intrinsically good. And, that basically changes our ways of handling them.
Yelling, screaming, and shouting
In Denmark, it’s apparently quite uncommon to see a house full or a school full of screaming and yelling kids and adults. I can vouch for this with my little exposure to the country. How do they do it? The parents when interviewed said, “We must remain calm as parents and NOT lose control of ourselves. So, if we cannot control ourselves, expecting that of the children is quite unfair. This of course doesn’t mean becoming weak or soft. Rather, firmness and kindness can replace temper, power struggles, and ultimatums. In my home, when I take away the remote, my son punches me. Earlier I used scream and shout back, and he’d continue punching. But, nowadays, I just hug him tight and give him a nice long kiss. He leaves the place angry, but in sometime comes back, hugs and picks his toys and plays. Perhaps, that’s a start.
Inculcating Respect
In the authoritative style, children have a lot of respect for their parents. But, the Danes say that respect goes both ways. To be respected by your children, you respect them first. Listen to what they say. Their perspective. Their reasons for say, not studying or not wanting to eat their vegetables. Engage with them and see how to incorporate what they want. For years, parenting has operated on fear, at least in our circles. We are supposed to fear our parents and hence keep our books in order or even study. Fear, per se, is very powerful, but hardly conducive to build trust and closeness. Christian parents are armed all the times, “The fear of the lord is the beginning wisdom,” :( Anyway, no digression.
Ask yourselves, what do you want from your children, uncontested submission or a loving, democratic, respectful friendship built on trust and shared values?
How the Danes do it in school is even more interesting. For example, if a child is interrupting all the time and distracting the class, the teacher would say, the next time someone interrupts, the whole class will together get up and walk around the class, clapping ten times! This makes the child feel some direct responsibility for the class and works towards changing his attitude. This and a lot more ways to avoid a problem rather than punishment is what keeps Danish teachers busy.
Quick Pointers:
1. Distinguish behavior from the child: For believing Christians, this straight out Jesus’ little notebook; love the sinner, hate the sin.
2. Avoid power struggles.
3. Don’t blame the child.
4. Children are intrinsically good.
5. Teach children; Reframe
6. Good begets good; calm begets calm.
7. Get your partner involved, however research points to how even if one parent is authoritative, it makes all the difference to the child. So, single moms, rest assured, you are doing a fine job and you will continue to do even better. :)
8. Check your ultimatums.
9. Always think of your child’s age.
10. Accept ALL feelings.
11. Ask what makes you snap and work on yourself.
12. Show that you listen.
Next up: Togetherness or Hygge
